MadelineVonRose14

well summer has been uneventful but in a summer kind of way. you feel? Like, the block parties you don't want to participate in so you go to your friend's house, the cookouts at the lake, the awkward family get togethers, being stuck in the car in 90+ heat for 2 hours trying to get to a mall, fucking mosquitoes pestering you at the park, trying to learn how to ride a bike but busting your knee on the pavement instead, fucked up sleep schedules, staying on the computer marathoning the lotr series until 5am. That sort of summer.  pleasantly uneventful.

I've learned to be quite independent. It's not that I don't have friends or don't enjoy the company of friends, it's more like I'm okay with doing things on my own. However, I need to learn how not feel like I'm a bother just because I do feel like hanging out with someone. I'm so self deprecating sometimes...like my mind is so weak and the way i speak to myself in my head is absolutely shitty...it's a really bad quality of mine. gotta work on that. I feel like I've change a lot, though.

Leaving people behind sucks. It's something that happens and i get that but people you used to know or friend's with... just sort of start disappearing or growing farther away as you grow older. it just happens.
i've found that i sometimes can't move on. physically i can. but mentally is a whole different story.

my 16th birthday is coming soon and i don't feel very excited about that. it's not that i don't like birthday's it's just they don't make me feel anything anymore. i think that's really saddening. 

Summer homework for APUSH has not been fun. like i'm not even half way through because it's fucking summer.  i start reading the textbook and then I'm like: yo look at my phone, i got a new message, i've been studying a lot (like 5min) I need brake, *ends up on the weird side of youtube 2 hours later somehow*
yeah that's my excuse. i'm probably gonna get it done on the last days of summer just wait. i'm procrastinating trASh 

Junior year will not be fun. I can feel it in my bones man, it's gonna be hell. I keep telling myself that if i can get through this year then i can probably do anything. 2 AP classes like byEEEE why did i do this to myself oh well. I'm not a "smart person" lllol. I guess I just have to *adult/mom voice* use my time WISELY. i'm good at organizing shit so i think i'll be fine in that. i can annotate the crap out of any book/paper. my problem is i hate studying like nah bruh i'm not about that life. I'm a perfectionist and a procrastinator at the same bloody time so i'm basically wrecked. i used to really like learning but school is were fun goes to die i'm seriousyo.  

Like college... idont know. i have some in mind that are quite challenging to get into but like the TUItiON holy crap nevermind

"you think i look like i got money"-  spike spiegel [cowboy bebop] 

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life haha i'm not good at much really. Like, even if i do get into the college i want to go to, how am i gonna pay for it? will it be wORTH it? all that money, time,and  tears for piece of paper and debt. I think the best way to go about it is to stay in the state/city since it's relatively cheaper. 
i think college is all the same, in my case, since i don't have a "specific" profession i want to do. i don't want to be a doctor, go into medicine, be a lawyer, a teacher, etc. i don't have any idea. how do people come out of their mother's uterus and be like yeah i have my whole life planned the fuck out like hOw?


[summer life rant over]

I'm tired of school. I have two C's (one in Geometry and one in Chemistry) I know it's not the end of the world but I'm just so tired from studying and doing all these projects. I need like a break from everything for about week. Oh well, I'll just have to try my best and work harder than before. 

Well, school is starting soon so I have to start preparing for that. I'm just really worried about my schedule @_@ Summer was okay and there were certain points were I was quite productive. Other than going out with my family to the beach occasionally and watching my cousins swim from a safe distance since I can't swim in the first place, my summer consisted of a lot of reading. A lot. I read a shit ton of books and a shit ton of manga.

    I'm quite obsessed about the Hannibal Lecter franchise for about two months now. I'm planning on reading the whole series by the time school starts up again. I have finally completed my Freshmen year of High School. It wasn't really a big deal as much as I thought it would be. It consisted of studying, mostly, lots of group projects, utterly bland essays, and hiding in the library. I made some connections with people. My locker partner and some selected people were somewhat close. I had many interesting conversations with people that I admire very much. I passed all my classes and I did fairly well in my mind. I learned so much my brain would feel like it was bleeding. After many trips to dunkin' donuts, drowning in ice coffee, finishing the 'utterly bland essays', it was all worth it in the end. I'm probably more knowledgeable in Biology than any other subject. My teachers pushed us right to the edge. I'm thankful for that. 

"The Love That Binds Us is more important than the power we wield." - Mordred; Merlin
(Merlin is over. My heart and soul is broken. But I've heard rumours about Sherlock s3 so that's the only thing that's pumping my heart)

Nothing much has happened since the start of 2013. I've been focusing a lot of my time on school and less on any kind of creative writing and film editing. I should really get more friends/go out more. It's quite difficult for me to go out without feeling a bit self conscious about everything. But I'm really trying not to worry about how I look...try.

I have a GPA of 4.4 so that is quite good. I was aiming for a 4.7 but anything above a 3.0 would satisfy me. School is getting much more difficult then it was my first semester. Lot's of pop quizzes and loads of projects from the majority of my classes. All just thrown at me at once. Oh well. I'll just have to do my best. I love Art. Heritage Spanish is a bit boring. Biology will be the death of me (Borderline A-). Algebra is a peace of red velvet cake but boring as fuck. PE/Health is okay. English is the best class ever. My social life & romantic life is non-existent. yep

Today, I was crossing the street and I was waiting for the car to pass by. I had wedge boots and sort of lost my balance. I was waking all non-chalant, with my wedge boots, and black trenchcoat styling across when I just had to fucking trip like a mother fucker! So people were laughing at my lanky, clutzy assed self when I got up and continued walking. I'm an embarrassment to humanity.

I should write. I haven't been writing anything.

I really miss my friends. I miss talking to people in general.